Monday, August 11, 2014

Old Babies

If you have small children, there will be many instances in which some well meaning older mama looks at you with knowing eyes, full of sadness and says something like, "Treasure these moments...they go by so fast."

Aidin at 6 or 7 months, crying because I would not let him eat a dead bee.

Here's the thing ... Older kids are awesome and fun and independent and frankly, much less work. I mean, puberty is weird and gross but overall not unbearable. So next time you start feeling a little sad that your precious babe is growing older, ask yourself these questions:

1. Does your baby help out around the house? No. You baby does nothing. He's a baby.  Some day, my friends, your kid will do such wondrous tasks as carrying the groceries in for you, doing the dishes and even cleaning the entire house when he's about to ask you for something big. You can say no. Your house will still be clean. 

2. Does your baby laugh at your jokes? No. Your baby is laughing because he's crapping his pants. Sharing humor with your kid is super fun. Watching movies with your kid and laughing at the same parts is awesome. Hearing your child deliver a biting comeback at precisely the right moment will fill you with more pride than you ever imagined.

3. When you tell your baby you're having a rough day, does he leave you alone and give you some space, or offer to split a Snickers with you to make it better? No. Your baby does not give a shit about your feelings. 

4. Does your baby let you sleep? LOL. That was mean. Sorry. 

5. Does your baby let you shop in peace? No. Your baby wants to sit in a cart or a stroller for exactly however long it takes you to find something you like. Need to try that something on? God help you. What's that? You want to eat out with your baby? Let me know how that goes.

6. Remember alone time? Shhhh...it's okay...

7. When was the last time you said no to your baby and he listened? Oh that's right...babies don't understand words or desperately whispered pleas. Babies do whatever the fuck babies want to do.

Babies are basically the worst.

 Okay, settle down, I'm kidding about that. I loved my guys when they were tiny little lumps of useless perfection. Babies are cute and wonderful and they smell like a heavenly cloud of goodness. So take a deep breath and enjoy this time, but don't be afraid of it ending. It only gets better.  Because your baby is going to take the best aspects of your personality and become the most amazing human.  Or the worst aspects, if you're a dick. So don't be.