Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A Walk in the Rain

A few weeks ago I got caught in a sudden, torrential downpour.
It was another beautiful day in Okinawa and I had planned to walk to the grocery store with my reusable shopping totes like any other respectable city dweller.
It was seriously idyllic.
I left my cozy ocean side house and skipped the two blocks to the store.  As per usual I bought way too much and despite the fact that the bags were cutting into my shoulders I told myself "It's only 2 blocks!".
And then I walked outside.
*Expletive*


Rain.  Crazy stupid insane rain.
I juggled my bulging bags, pulled out my trusty umbrella and pushed myself out. As I fought the wind and cursed my luck I watched an old Japanese woman in a trucker hat cross the street on her bike, seemingly unimpressed by the torrents of water hitting us both in the face.
 I started to slip on my flip flops and as I steadied myself on the fence beside me I squinted to read the woman's hat.  There, emblazoned in red block letters: ASSHOLE

And suddenly, that's exactly what I felt like.

I guess when I moved here I expected to leave all my old problems and doubts behind.
I was going on this exciting adventure to a foreign country where everything was going to be new and wonderful. 
It was going to be all 'Eat, Pray, Love' for three years and then I would return to the states a new woman, filled with the confidence of someone who knows their true calling in life.  (Also, there was going to be a fitness and diet montage somewhere in there that would result in a new hot bod.)
And yes, I know life isn't a movie but sometimes I forget. 
Like, most of the time.
Every sopping wet step home that day was a realization.   That I will still be alone the majority of the time. That typhoons really aren't like bad rain storms.  They're scary and they blow your crap around and force you inside for days with kids that could turn on you at any moment.  That the vague sense of dissatisfaction I felt months ago never went away, despite my best efforts to bury it. That crying really makes my eyes pop so I should probably figure out a way to keep that up. And most disappointingly, that nothing is different in this movie except for the set.

I wish I could say that a plot twist came out of nowhere and fixed everything, but life's not a movie, remember?

For now I'll just be trying to get myself together. 
Asshole.