A few weeks ago I got caught in a sudden, torrential downpour.
It was another beautiful day in Okinawa and I had planned to walk to the grocery store with my reusable shopping totes like any other respectable city dweller.
It was seriously idyllic.
I left my cozy ocean side house and skipped the two blocks to the store. As per usual I bought way too much and despite the fact that the bags were cutting into my shoulders I told myself "It's only 2 blocks!".
And then I walked outside.
*Expletive*
Rain. Crazy stupid insane rain.
I juggled my bulging bags, pulled out my trusty umbrella and pushed myself out. As I fought the wind and cursed my luck I watched an old Japanese woman in a trucker hat cross the street on her bike, seemingly unimpressed by the torrents of water hitting us both in the face.
I started to slip on my flip flops and as I steadied myself on the fence beside me I squinted to read the woman's hat. There, emblazoned in red block letters: ASSHOLE
And suddenly, that's exactly what I felt like.
I guess when I moved here I expected to leave all my old problems and doubts behind.
I was going on this exciting adventure to a foreign country where everything was going to be new and wonderful.
It was another beautiful day in Okinawa and I had planned to walk to the grocery store with my reusable shopping totes like any other respectable city dweller.
It was seriously idyllic.
I left my cozy ocean side house and skipped the two blocks to the store. As per usual I bought way too much and despite the fact that the bags were cutting into my shoulders I told myself "It's only 2 blocks!".
And then I walked outside.
*Expletive*
Rain. Crazy stupid insane rain.
I juggled my bulging bags, pulled out my trusty umbrella and pushed myself out. As I fought the wind and cursed my luck I watched an old Japanese woman in a trucker hat cross the street on her bike, seemingly unimpressed by the torrents of water hitting us both in the face.
I started to slip on my flip flops and as I steadied myself on the fence beside me I squinted to read the woman's hat. There, emblazoned in red block letters: ASSHOLE
And suddenly, that's exactly what I felt like.
I guess when I moved here I expected to leave all my old problems and doubts behind.
I was going on this exciting adventure to a foreign country where everything was going to be new and wonderful.
It was going to be all 'Eat, Pray, Love' for three years and then I would return to the states a new woman, filled with the confidence of someone who knows their true calling in life. (Also, there was going to be a fitness and diet montage somewhere in there that would result in a new hot bod.)
And yes, I know life isn't a movie but sometimes I forget.
Like, most of the time.
Every sopping wet step home that day was a realization. That I will still be alone the majority of the time. That typhoons really aren't like bad rain storms. They're scary and they blow your crap around and force you inside for days with kids that could turn on you at any moment. That the vague sense of dissatisfaction I felt months ago never went away, despite my best efforts to bury it. That crying really makes my eyes pop so I should probably figure out a way to keep that up. And most disappointingly, that nothing is different in this movie except for the set.
I wish I could say that a plot twist came out of nowhere and fixed everything, but life's not a movie, remember?
For now I'll just be trying to get myself together.
Asshole.
You are so brave to move away to Japan! I don't think assholes do brave things... just sayin' And walking to the store?!?!? Assholes don't walk to the store! But I'm thinking you should get a hat that has those same red words on them... just to remind yourself that life is hard and it's ok to be dissatisfied and cry about it. Chin up!
ReplyDeleteI remember reading a post of yours about moving to Japan and all of the excitement that went with it.. I thought that it was really brave, because I know I would be shaking in my boots if we got stationed there next. I'm sorry that you had to come to some crappy realizations, but I'm sure that this will be an experience that will teach you lots!
ReplyDeleteAll I can do is send you lots of good wishes, lady - it takes a lot of guts to be where you are (in life and geographically...any new country is tough!) and you're entitled to a few or even many shitty days. I have never moved abroad minus a 3-month study abroad program in Moscow, but I'm sure you will settle into a routine and be more comfortable soon. You aren't an asshole. <3
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you and hoping to read your words soon. You are not an asshole. Having hope and taking risks is admirable, as is schlepping through another day of chutes and ladders or just watching 5 movies in a row because dear god you need it. It's the bad that makes us recognize the good when we see it.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds lame. But it's the best I got. Sorry.
you are brave!:) in regards to the woman with 'asshole' written on her hat...i honestly don't understand why people have bumper stickers and such like that. i mean, what purpose does it serve but to discourage people and possibly hurt them? why not have something encouraging or loving written on your hat...car... whatever... life is hard enough without having people remind us of how stupid we feel sometimes, or how alone we feel, or perhaps they think they're bringing those of us who are experiencing joy off our 'high horse' or something. sorry that was the message you received upon walking out of the grocery store, Lady. its not true, not one bit. you walked to the store on a gorgeous day, you relished the beauty that the day had to offer and then you got stuck in the rain on the way home....no biggie, and not a mark on who you are. you are super brave for embarking on this incredible journey:) i hope you find some awesome gal pals there soon to lift your spirits and encourage your heart as a woman! :)
ReplyDeleteComing from someone who's experienced the ups and downs of living overseas, I get where you're coming from. I thought life in Italy was going to be like Under the Tuscan Sun and it wasn't. Sometimes living there just plain sucked. I had all these grand ideas that I'd adopt a little Italian grandma who'd teach me how to cook, become fluent in Italian and be a better version of myself. I did become a better version of myself three and a half years later, but it wasn't exactly in the way I thought it would be.
ReplyDeleteThings will get better. You'll get more used to things, you'll feel more like you're really living there and it's now home instead of always feeling like you don't belong in some strange country. I still had days even at the end that I hated Italy and everything about the country, but I don't regret my time there.
You are brave! Anyway who moves their life halfway across the world is!
From your Mama...
ReplyDeleteYour are a regular, wonderful, sometimes insecure, smart woman- just like the rest of us. You will learn to accept and love yourself and will not be consumed with "hot bod-itis" because you are beautiful from the inside out. And the inside beauty only gets better with time. I finally figured out that it was true- your life will never be better than it is today. You will never be younger, more able to serve, teach, love, or learn than you are at this moment. Savor it!! Your posts are wonderful.