Monday, January 9, 2012

So You Think You're Ready For Kids?

Because I just want to prepare you for how much vomit you're going to have to deal with.

Vomit bombs will be a part of your life from the time your child is born to the time they claim to have the stomach flu like you've never smelled vodka before.

Last night was my second full night of puke duty in a week. Last night I also took a sleeping pill before bed.
Last night was a freaking nightmare.

If you've ever been forced awake while under the influence of a sleeping pill you know that it makes you feel like you're underwater, with bits and pieces of what's going on around you hitting you on a delayed loop, at times crushingly loud as you become increasingly irritable.

I awoke to the pitter-patter of little feet running to the bathroom and my first cognizant thought was, "At least it sounds like he made it to the toilet".

But he didn't friends. He didn't even come close.

So I pitched myself out of bed and up the stairs, pausing intermittently to stroke my own hair or feel my own face or do any number of ridiculous things you do in the grip of sleeping pill fog. I finally made it up only to stumble upon the rubble of the vomit bomb.
On the bed, down the wall, pooled on the floor among the Legos and toys and most curiously, in the wall outlet.
As I stood there taking it all in I steeled myself for what had to be done. The only thing I could logically do.

Burn the house down.

Unfortunately, Spouse wouldn't play along with my brilliant plan, so in the end I spent the better part of my night donning rubber gloves, letting the fumes from the bleach burn the smell out of my nose and going through enough paper towels to make a hippie cry patchouli-scented tears.

So, you think you're ready for kids?