Their Grass Is Greener

We've all heard, "the grass is always greener on the other side" and while there have been many clever rebuttals in reference to this quote (the grass is always greener where you water it", etc.) sometimes the grass actually IS greener on the other side.  Case in point: my house. I literally have no grass.  So for all intents and purposes, all grass is greener...than our cement.  Now, to be clear, grass in yards is a rarity here in Okinawa.  In fact, apartments are the norm so we got lucky even finding a house.  And the minute I saw our home and saw how close it was to the water, I asked where to sign and we were SO stoked.

But then...they ripped down the tiny house next door and built a MUCH larger, modern American-style house.  And today, next to the new tiled patio they planted...grass.  And a row of trees for privacy, probably so they won't have to look at our cement and feel sad. And then...I saw them install an oven.  Not a 5x12 fish broiler.  A real, full-sized oven.  

Guys, no one has moved in but I hate them already.  I hate them and their green grass and fresh baked cookies and stupid beautiful mid-century furniture that I just KNOW they'll have. 

*Settles heart rate*

I got real bummed for a minute today.  All I could think about were all the things I don't like about our house. No oven, no dishwasher, no bathtub in our master bath, no outdoor storage (hella rusty bikes), blah blah blah.

But then I snooped over to the house next door to peer creepily into their windows and I saw it.  A black wooden bar in the kitchen.  Whaaaaaat?  Oh I hated it.  Why would they put that there?  Horrible.  Horrible choice.

And I suddenly felt better.  I never in a million years thought that we would be living 20 yards from a beautiful, idyllic sea in another country, but we do.  When we got here I thought we would never find a place to live that wasn't an apartment in a cement high-rise that felt more like hotel than home, but we did.  It's charming and big enough for us and I love it despite the things about it that I don't love. 

My point is, I didn't really think about the things I didn't love until I saw the grass next door.  Until I started comparing mine to theirs.  And realistically, we could move if we wanted to, but with only two more years here the thought exhausts me.  At some point you have to stop thinking about what you could have, what you don't have.  Just stop.

  I need to start thinking about this house for what it is.  A vacation home.  We're only here for two more years.  I can paint the walls but I'll just have to paint over them.  I can make my garden amazing and beautiful, but I can't take any of that with me.  Better to focus on what I can.  Experiences, memories, bike rides down the sea wall and beach towels hanging on the patio railing to dry. 

As my kid told me once, "Everything doesn't have to be perfect to be perfect".

The Bottom

Where to start?

I decided to write this when I realized how many people I've alienated lately. I know I've hurt people but depression is a selfish succubus that takes all the best parts of you, leaving a spiritless, languid zombie.

 Like so many other teenage girls with issues (all teenage girls?), I did my years of therapy and antidepressants and after it got better I chalked it up to a phase in my life.  A phase I would go through again and again before consenting that it might not be a phase at all. Earlier today I looked through my old posts and found a draft entitled, "The Blues: Part 299" and another post entitled, "So Lonesome, Baby", each chronicling a time in my life when I was dealing with similar bouts of depression. I never sought help back then because it seemed so indulgent and cliche. And besides, I could snap myself out of it! I'm not sure what was so different this time.  It had a gravity to it that I couldn't shake. I was completely weighted down by so much nothing.  Weeks turned into months as I got pulled further and further down by it.  It's difficult to articulate exactly what "it" is, which makes it difficult to talk to anyone about it.  One becomes a master of finding something concrete on which to pin the blame of your unhappiness. 

"It's a period of adjustment/I just need to go back to school/get a job/get a hobby/workout more/go on a juice cleanse/volunteer/become a Buddhist/read more Deepok Chopra". But you don't do any of these things because at the end of the day, you don't care enough.  Caring has become exhausting. 

So I hid it.  I think I hid it pretty well.  I mean, I basically stopped leaving the house for three months and I pulled away from everyone who loves me, but aside from that.  When I did go out I smiled for pictures and made jokes and laughed, but it was often flat and disingenuous.  And life moved on like this for a time until one morning I woke up, stretched and had the thought that I couldn't face another day.  The day was a daunting void and I didn't have the energy to try to fill it.  So I made a call.

Let it be known that calling to make an appointment for depression was like making an appointment for violent rectal spasms.

Nurse: What is the reason your visit?

Me: *Muttered* Deprurshern....

Nurse: *Yelling* COME AGAIN?

Me: Mental... health?

Nurse: WHAT HEALTH?

Me: DEPRESSION!

Nurse: *Still yelling* Mrs. ______ ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT HURTING YOURSELF??!

Me: No.

Nurse: ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT HURTING SOMEONE ELSE?

Me: Yes.  Yes, now I am.

I have been on medication now for a couple months and while I haven't seen a huge difference in how I feel we're still adjusting dosing/watching for side effects.  I knew there wasn't going to be a magic pill to fix me, but I had to start somewhere and frankly, I'll take all the help I can get.

My best friend once did a horrible thing to me.  She brought people over unannounced to tour my house.
It was a d i s a s t e r.
They stepped on dirty underthings and Doritos, tripped over a decade worth of old periodicals covered in cat feces and knocked over my collection of doll heads.  "Mess" doesn't even cover it.  Needless to say, I was mortified.  And that was just my house.  Talking about the emotional/mental struggles I'm grappling with is 100 times worse because the mess is me.  My heart and guts and brain and soul all laid out for public consumption and it's a little humiliating. There is a certain element of shame in admitting that, despite having nothing to be unhappy about, you can't seem to feel happy about anything. 

I may never post this.  Maybe I just needed to explain it to myself.  Maybe I just needed to see it on paper and out of my head.  I know I'm going to be okay. I just want to get there soon.

Week(s) In Review

Hey homies.

Life in Okinawa moves along and soon we will have been here a year!  I've been keeping busy with the sorts of things I feel like no one would possibly want to hear about, hence my sporadic blogging lulls.  Rather than devote an entire post to that time I chaperoned a second grade field trip to the recycling center that included a thirty minute sing-a-long on the bus, I'll just tell you to never volunteer at your child's school. That's my sound advice. But if you must, maybe think about the, "It's Always Sunny In Philedelphia" wine in a soda can trick and obviously, bring your phone.  Unplugging now and then is swell, but there are those days when I look at my phone and think, "By God I really love you".
 (I'm kidding!  80%... 75... 60...There's a 50% I'm kidding.)

Anyway, here's the rest of the past few weeks in review (ie. when it's not raining, we're at the water):

 Mother's Day was extra special this year because my family finally grasped the fact that I don't like eating  before 10am and I don't particularly enjoy eating in bed.  Like, at all.  It's a balancing act.  Where do I put my drink? How do I sit? How did this custom even come to be?  It seems like something you would do for an invalid family member with a communicable disease.  Just throw the food in and slam the door.

Well I say no thank you.

Tighten Up

Where have I been?  Well, pretty busy.  I got in a heated passive-aggressive written altercation with a neighbor over the cat mansion he built in his parking garage.  In the end I was the bigger person and dropped the issue, but I will sabotage him in little ways at every opportunity.  No biggie.

But today isn't about that, it's about this:

I don't necessarily have inches to lose, but I am one of the unlucky mamas who got tummy stretch marks that just won't quit. (Hence all the one-piece and high waist swimsuits.) So when Courtney asked me to test out a body wrap, I was intrigued.  I've heard a lot about these babies lately and thought I'd see what all the fuss was about.

I read the ingredients and was pleasantly surprised to find that the body contouring cream on the wrap is all natural.  I applied the wrap (which I thought smelled really good) and wrapped by midsection with plastic wrap to secure it.

Straight up Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes. TOWANDA!

I let it sit for about an hour and a half (45 minutes is recommended for first timers but I was familiar with all the ingredients so I felt comfortable leaving it on longer).  It tingles a bit, almost like Icy Hot, but is not painful at all.  When I removed the wrap I rubbed the remainder of the cream into my skin as per the directions.  Although my measurements didn't change, the next morning my skin was bananas soft.  Baby butt soft.  And it felt tighter.

Bottom line: I would definitely be curious to see how my skin responded to more wraps (most of the kits come with four and recommend using one every 72 hours). 

Want a kit of your own or more info on these It Works Body Wraps?  Check out Courtney's page on Facebook!

Everybody Get Random

First off, there are a a lot of new followers so in lieu of an introduction (see my bio) here are links to my most popular posts from the past few months:

A Guide For the Knocked Up, Knocked Down and Screwed Over
I'm Not Sorry
The Homeschooling Debate
A Girl's Guide to Frenemies Pt. 1
Sometimes You Can't
A Walk in the Rain

I need to make a sidebar link to the good ones so you don't have to wade through the many, "Who am I? What is life?" posts.

You can also catch me on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter!

I'm gonna be real with you guys.  I haven't blogged in a few days because I got my nails done stiletto style and I was all, "go big or go home!", so I got the longest nails I could handle with a sweet pointed tip and they look FLY.

However, texting, typing, opening cans/doors/jars, applying makeup, using toilet paper, dialing phones, starting my car, getting dressed and all other actions involving my hands has proved...difficult.

I'm finally getting the hang of it, though everything takes twice as long. 

But enough with my random links.  The interweb is full of them and they're worth the click.  

/// Do I have any Adventure Time fans?  *Holla!*
Want to meet the voices behind the characters?

Meet Marceline, Princess Bubblegum and Finn HERE

Jake's HERE

Err'body else HERE

//// This tirade from a particularly angry sorority girl will make you cringe/laugh/gasp.  But seriously, her vocabulary is amazing.  From one insult coiner to another, I tip my hat to her. Don't be a boner.  Go read it.

///// Hey coffee snobs, watch this.

TGIF!!! (In Japan.  Sorry, America!)

Creep: Self Portrait Challenge

But I'm a creep 

I'm a weirdo  

What the hell am I doing here?  

I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts 

I want to have control  

I want a perfect body  

I want a perfect soul

 -Radiohead

I was reminiscing on some of my old writing and stumbled upon this picture story I wrote for Halloween in 2011.  The Legend of the Black Widow.  Read, enjoy, creep.

(It's not cheating if you make up the rules.)

Spring Break Wrap-Up

It's the last day of Spring Break here in Japan.  It was a good week, and I needed a good week.  So here's how our Spring Break went:

1. Finally decorated the little nook off the stairs.

2. Built the best fort ever.  Was kindly asked to vacate the fort I had just built.

3. Started the planet mobile I talked about in this post.  We're almost done and if you follow me on Instagram you can see the finished profuct!  (Sidenote: Styrofoam primer is a waste of time and $$.  Just paint it.)

4. Explored.

5. Watched this powerful video about the Power of Introverts and drooled over the styling of Golden Girl of the West.